Transformed by the Renewing of Your Mind
Posted by Erin | | Posted On Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Nearly nine years ago, we welcomed Liam into the world. He was our first baby and we were absolutely smitten. Every sound, each expression, all of the movements that he made became occasions for celebration, our own private wonders over which to marvel. My feelings for this precious little boy were so tremendous that they overwhelmed my heart, my love so fierce that I seemed to stagger underneath its weight. I carry a memory around with me from that period in our lives: I am sitting on our drab, olive green futon, the sun slanting through the windows, bathing me in its glow. As Liam slumbers in the crook of my arm, I gaze at him in wonder and awe, and it seems that my heart is not large enough to contain the emotion that threatens to spill over. The size of my heart is inadequate, and I think that the passions within might eventually burst forth and shatter their feeble encasement into a million tiny pieces. This is when the realization nearly topples me over. It occurs to me that, in making the decision to have a baby, I have, in the process, offered myself up as a sacrifice. The love that I have for this baby has rendered me so vulnerable that it could very well be my undoing; for we live in a fallen world, and I can think of many things that could happen to this little life, many choices he could make as he grows, many different people he could become that would destroy me. My heart is in his hands.
I had no idea at that time that my fears would be realized so early on in the journey of parenthood. As Liam approached the age of two, I began to suspect that many of his extreme behaviors were indicative of a problem. Fits of rage, meltdowns that lasted for hours, uncontrollable hyperactivity, wandering around the house at all hours of the night, a total inability to be redirected...these are only a few of the completely disruptive behaviors that began to prevent any of us in the home from living normal lives. We desperately searched for answers, met with specialists, read book after book, all in an effort to find explanations and parenting methods that would alleviate the torment that all of us, Liam especially, were suffering. The next three years were grueling. Going out in public became increasingly difficult due to the nature and length of Liam's daily meltdowns; his behavior created an extremely unhealthy environment in the home; we had very little emotional support; and, worst of all, we were helpless in the face of our son's agonizing pain and distress. There was nothing we could do to bring him relief. After three years of what seemed like constant hysterical screaming, little sleep, and dealing with so many of our own emotions, we were exhausted, drained, totally spent.
Diagnosing mental illness can be very difficult, especially in children. So many behaviors overlap from one illness to the next, and there is no such thing as a test that can give definitive answers; much of it feels like guess work. Although Autism, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Early Onset Bipolar Disorder were seriously considered, after three excruciating years of pleading for help, Liam was diagnosed at the age of five with Tourettes Syndrome, ADHD, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We made the very difficult decision to put Liam on medication, praying that quality of life would be improved for him, for his siblings, and for us. Over the course of a year, we tried several different medications, adjusting dosages and types, until we finally settled on an anti-depressant (for anxiety), an anti-psychotic (for the stabilization of moods), and a blood pressure medication that is effective in treating Liam's impulsive actions and hyperactivity.
Although Liam's diagnoses continue to make life more difficult than it could be--there are always prescriptions to pick up and administer, trips to the psychiatrist, phone calls to insurance companies, meetings at his school, not to mention the multiple and creative ways that the illnesses persist in presenting themselves through my little boy--we have managed, during the last two years, to finally find some peace and stability. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know my son, the real boy who had become so lost in the maze of his mind that I had only been allowed small and fleeting glimpses of his beauty. He is compassionate, extremely curious, funny, highly intelligent, enthusiastic, a deep thinker, loyal; I call him my little old soul.
I am so grateful for the precious time with Liam that these medications have afforded us. Even so, I worry about the long term damage that they could be doing to his body; I worry that, as he continues to rely on medication in order to function in this world, he is unable to learn how to cope with real life; more than anything, perhaps, I worry that he was incorrectly diagnosed and that we have needlessly been giving him potentially damaging medication for no reason at all; I wonder if, as he has no doubt matured over the last couple of years, he could now live a normal life without the use of medication. I hope and pray with every fiber of my being that he can. I convince myself that he has been cured.
After discussing some of the previous concerns with the psychiatrist and then developing a plan, Tom and I made the decision that, as soon as school ended and summer vacation commenced, we would begin to wean Liam from one of his medications. Unfortunately, three to four weeks after the weaning process was initiated, Liam is once again taking his regular dosages. Upon removal of the anti-psychotic (risperidone) alone, many of the old behaviors exploded in full force: combativeness, meltdowns of extreme intensity and duration, anger, obsessive thinking... Considering that I had initially implemented the tapering of medication with such high hopes, I now found myself in state of grief once again over the loss of what I had dreamed could be.
As I pondered the tremendous differences between Liam on medication and Liam in his natural state, I began to consider the differences between who I am when I allow God to control my mind, and who I am when I allow my natural mind to take charge. At nearly nine years of age, Liam is dependent upon medication for the emergence of his true self from the convoluted labyrinth of his mind; I have to rely on God and His control over my mind in order for my true self in Christ to shine forth.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2 Metamorpho is the original Greek term from which the English word transform is rendered and, according to Vine's Dictionary, indicates undergoing "a complete change which, under the power of God, will find expression in character and conduct." It is powerful to note that this Greek word metamopho is also used in Matthew 17:2 to describe Jesus' mountaintop transfiguration before the eyes of Peter, James, and John. "There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light." The scene that enfolds is truly one of supernatural proportions: Moses and Elijah appear, a bright cloud envelopes the men, and the voice of God resounds from the cloud that enshrouds them. The word used to describe Jesus putting on His heavenly glory is the very same word used in reference to us and the transformation which we undergo in Christ. This knowledge nearly causes me to tremble. Those of us that have been washed in the blood of the lamb are truly new creatures; we are walking miracles.
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its sinful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24 When we receive Christ as our Savior, the Holy Spirit enters us, taking up permanent residence and sealing us for the day of redemption. However, His indwelling does not signify our perfection as we continue to live out our existences here on earth. On the contrary, there now exists a battle inside between the new self and the old self. Our natural minds have a bent or an attitude that is hostile to the supreme authority of God; His way of thinking and being is alien to us. When left to its own devices, I fear that the old self, or the natural mind, will win the battle every time. Pride, greed, and selfishness will take control, wielding their power over our minds, and our attitudes and actions will reflect what is nourished therein. For this reason, it is imperative that we begin the process of dying to sin more and more as we also live to righteousness more and more.
The Holy Spirit is required for the renewal of our minds. The Greek word that is used for renewal in Romans 12:1-2 is used in only one other passage: "...He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit..." Titus 3:5 According to Vine's, this renewal is not a "fresh bestowment of the Spirit, but a revival of His power, developing the Christian life; this passage stresses the continual operation of of the indwelling Spirit of God." The Holy Spirit is alive and active in our hearts. He speaks to us, convicts us, illuminates Scripture, allows us to behold the glory of the Lord in our ordinary lives...We are utterly dependent upon the Holy Spirit for the renewal of our minds that so transforms our lives and makes us more like Christ.
And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18 The deepest desire of my heart is to reflect the glory of my Lord. Although I will not fully attain this goal until I meet Him face to face, I am encouraged to read that I am being transformed. Whereas I am a child of God, unblemished in His sight, true transformation is a process, a journey. I am dependent upon the Holy Spirit to accomplish this work in me but, at the same time, there must be a willing response on my part. To paraphrase Romans 12:1, I have now been set apart for holy use and, as such, I must surrender my body and soul and make the display of His glory the aim of my life's work. The display of His glory in my every action becomes more and more natural as I pursue the renewal of my mind...through the reading of my Bible, through precious time spent conversing with God in prayer, through fellowship with those who also yearn to worship God with their lives, through loving and humble service to others, through the willful attempt to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5b The more we gaze upon His face through this manner of living, the more we will reflect Him as we continually yield ourselves to His will and allow Him to renew our minds.
During this past month, as we attempted to wean Liam from the medication upon which he relies to help him live as the best version of himself, I watched him regress and slip back into old patterns and behaviors. This former way of living is destructive to him; it is devastating to his relationships; it is poisonous. The differences between Liam on medication and Liam in his natural state are vast and plentiful, and this knowledge makes my heart ache. How much more does it anguish our Father's heart to see us falling short of the people that He knows we could be if we would just fully submit our lives to Him, if we would chase after Him wholeheartedly every moment of every day? Oh, that my mind's renewal would become of the utmost importance to me! "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
My Father, I thank you for your awesome redemption plan. I thank you for giving up your Son for me. I am in awe of the fact that your Holy Spirit is living inside of me, that He speaks to me, guides me, and reveals Your glory to me through Your Holy Word, through the people that You created, through this world that You designed. I am so grateful that Your Holy Spirit is continually at work in my heart and that He is in the process of transforming me. I pray that You would continue to give me the desire to pursue you without ceasing; that, more and more, my life would be a reflection of You as I surrender my heart, abandon my old self, and allow, no beg, you to renew my mind moment by moment.
I had no idea at that time that my fears would be realized so early on in the journey of parenthood. As Liam approached the age of two, I began to suspect that many of his extreme behaviors were indicative of a problem. Fits of rage, meltdowns that lasted for hours, uncontrollable hyperactivity, wandering around the house at all hours of the night, a total inability to be redirected...these are only a few of the completely disruptive behaviors that began to prevent any of us in the home from living normal lives. We desperately searched for answers, met with specialists, read book after book, all in an effort to find explanations and parenting methods that would alleviate the torment that all of us, Liam especially, were suffering. The next three years were grueling. Going out in public became increasingly difficult due to the nature and length of Liam's daily meltdowns; his behavior created an extremely unhealthy environment in the home; we had very little emotional support; and, worst of all, we were helpless in the face of our son's agonizing pain and distress. There was nothing we could do to bring him relief. After three years of what seemed like constant hysterical screaming, little sleep, and dealing with so many of our own emotions, we were exhausted, drained, totally spent.
Diagnosing mental illness can be very difficult, especially in children. So many behaviors overlap from one illness to the next, and there is no such thing as a test that can give definitive answers; much of it feels like guess work. Although Autism, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Early Onset Bipolar Disorder were seriously considered, after three excruciating years of pleading for help, Liam was diagnosed at the age of five with Tourettes Syndrome, ADHD, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We made the very difficult decision to put Liam on medication, praying that quality of life would be improved for him, for his siblings, and for us. Over the course of a year, we tried several different medications, adjusting dosages and types, until we finally settled on an anti-depressant (for anxiety), an anti-psychotic (for the stabilization of moods), and a blood pressure medication that is effective in treating Liam's impulsive actions and hyperactivity.
Although Liam's diagnoses continue to make life more difficult than it could be--there are always prescriptions to pick up and administer, trips to the psychiatrist, phone calls to insurance companies, meetings at his school, not to mention the multiple and creative ways that the illnesses persist in presenting themselves through my little boy--we have managed, during the last two years, to finally find some peace and stability. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know my son, the real boy who had become so lost in the maze of his mind that I had only been allowed small and fleeting glimpses of his beauty. He is compassionate, extremely curious, funny, highly intelligent, enthusiastic, a deep thinker, loyal; I call him my little old soul.
I am so grateful for the precious time with Liam that these medications have afforded us. Even so, I worry about the long term damage that they could be doing to his body; I worry that, as he continues to rely on medication in order to function in this world, he is unable to learn how to cope with real life; more than anything, perhaps, I worry that he was incorrectly diagnosed and that we have needlessly been giving him potentially damaging medication for no reason at all; I wonder if, as he has no doubt matured over the last couple of years, he could now live a normal life without the use of medication. I hope and pray with every fiber of my being that he can. I convince myself that he has been cured.
After discussing some of the previous concerns with the psychiatrist and then developing a plan, Tom and I made the decision that, as soon as school ended and summer vacation commenced, we would begin to wean Liam from one of his medications. Unfortunately, three to four weeks after the weaning process was initiated, Liam is once again taking his regular dosages. Upon removal of the anti-psychotic (risperidone) alone, many of the old behaviors exploded in full force: combativeness, meltdowns of extreme intensity and duration, anger, obsessive thinking... Considering that I had initially implemented the tapering of medication with such high hopes, I now found myself in state of grief once again over the loss of what I had dreamed could be.
As I pondered the tremendous differences between Liam on medication and Liam in his natural state, I began to consider the differences between who I am when I allow God to control my mind, and who I am when I allow my natural mind to take charge. At nearly nine years of age, Liam is dependent upon medication for the emergence of his true self from the convoluted labyrinth of his mind; I have to rely on God and His control over my mind in order for my true self in Christ to shine forth.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2 Metamorpho is the original Greek term from which the English word transform is rendered and, according to Vine's Dictionary, indicates undergoing "a complete change which, under the power of God, will find expression in character and conduct." It is powerful to note that this Greek word metamopho is also used in Matthew 17:2 to describe Jesus' mountaintop transfiguration before the eyes of Peter, James, and John. "There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light." The scene that enfolds is truly one of supernatural proportions: Moses and Elijah appear, a bright cloud envelopes the men, and the voice of God resounds from the cloud that enshrouds them. The word used to describe Jesus putting on His heavenly glory is the very same word used in reference to us and the transformation which we undergo in Christ. This knowledge nearly causes me to tremble. Those of us that have been washed in the blood of the lamb are truly new creatures; we are walking miracles.
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its sinful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24 When we receive Christ as our Savior, the Holy Spirit enters us, taking up permanent residence and sealing us for the day of redemption. However, His indwelling does not signify our perfection as we continue to live out our existences here on earth. On the contrary, there now exists a battle inside between the new self and the old self. Our natural minds have a bent or an attitude that is hostile to the supreme authority of God; His way of thinking and being is alien to us. When left to its own devices, I fear that the old self, or the natural mind, will win the battle every time. Pride, greed, and selfishness will take control, wielding their power over our minds, and our attitudes and actions will reflect what is nourished therein. For this reason, it is imperative that we begin the process of dying to sin more and more as we also live to righteousness more and more.
The Holy Spirit is required for the renewal of our minds. The Greek word that is used for renewal in Romans 12:1-2 is used in only one other passage: "...He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit..." Titus 3:5 According to Vine's, this renewal is not a "fresh bestowment of the Spirit, but a revival of His power, developing the Christian life; this passage stresses the continual operation of of the indwelling Spirit of God." The Holy Spirit is alive and active in our hearts. He speaks to us, convicts us, illuminates Scripture, allows us to behold the glory of the Lord in our ordinary lives...We are utterly dependent upon the Holy Spirit for the renewal of our minds that so transforms our lives and makes us more like Christ.
And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18 The deepest desire of my heart is to reflect the glory of my Lord. Although I will not fully attain this goal until I meet Him face to face, I am encouraged to read that I am being transformed. Whereas I am a child of God, unblemished in His sight, true transformation is a process, a journey. I am dependent upon the Holy Spirit to accomplish this work in me but, at the same time, there must be a willing response on my part. To paraphrase Romans 12:1, I have now been set apart for holy use and, as such, I must surrender my body and soul and make the display of His glory the aim of my life's work. The display of His glory in my every action becomes more and more natural as I pursue the renewal of my mind...through the reading of my Bible, through precious time spent conversing with God in prayer, through fellowship with those who also yearn to worship God with their lives, through loving and humble service to others, through the willful attempt to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5b The more we gaze upon His face through this manner of living, the more we will reflect Him as we continually yield ourselves to His will and allow Him to renew our minds.
During this past month, as we attempted to wean Liam from the medication upon which he relies to help him live as the best version of himself, I watched him regress and slip back into old patterns and behaviors. This former way of living is destructive to him; it is devastating to his relationships; it is poisonous. The differences between Liam on medication and Liam in his natural state are vast and plentiful, and this knowledge makes my heart ache. How much more does it anguish our Father's heart to see us falling short of the people that He knows we could be if we would just fully submit our lives to Him, if we would chase after Him wholeheartedly every moment of every day? Oh, that my mind's renewal would become of the utmost importance to me! "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
My Father, I thank you for your awesome redemption plan. I thank you for giving up your Son for me. I am in awe of the fact that your Holy Spirit is living inside of me, that He speaks to me, guides me, and reveals Your glory to me through Your Holy Word, through the people that You created, through this world that You designed. I am so grateful that Your Holy Spirit is continually at work in my heart and that He is in the process of transforming me. I pray that You would continue to give me the desire to pursue you without ceasing; that, more and more, my life would be a reflection of You as I surrender my heart, abandon my old self, and allow, no beg, you to renew my mind moment by moment.
Dear Erin,
This is very deep and wonderful! The parallels to our spiritual lives is perfect! Isn't it amazing how the Lord shows us these things from our own lives and experiences! I continue to pray with you for Liam to be able to live a full life without medication at some point in the future.
The joy you describe in the beginning of this post brought back a flood of beautiful memories to me of my own joy when I first held Carmen, and the continuous emotions of being her mom through the thick and thin of her life's decisions...
I love you! Thank you for sharing your heart!